So maybe this is not your cup of tea. In fact you may have made avoiding weddings your number hobby but now your sister/friend/secret lover/coworker has asked you and despite every bone in your body yelling out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", you said yes because deep down you have a soul; but please dear God don't make me wear one of those horrible dresses. Well, no guarantee we are going to be able to get you out of the dress but this post is meant to help you ease into the decision and start making assessments on your expectations versus that of the brides'.
I was once telling a friend about being sort of frustrated to have to be involved with this one wedding, "she barely puts any effort into our relationship and now I have to spend my vacation time and money planning for her?"
Her response to me was two fold, "no one forces you to say yes" Heard me? No one forces you to say yes... but there are consequences and you should be aware of them. My friend told me of a time when she had been invited to be a bridesmaid for a college friend's wedding. Despite her excitement for the college friend she was strapped for cash as she had just spent the last two years participating in half a dozen weddings and she and her husband were trying to save for a house. She explained the circumstances to the bride who was shocked to not receive an immediate "YES!" but said she understood. In reality though, the bride was terribly offended and slowly began to stew on the fact that her friend had 'let her down. Their friendship did not last and neither has bothered to send a Christmas Card in years. Dramatic music plays in the background.
Consequences: How much does the friend mean to you? Enough to risk her feeling like you really don't care? Now, I will not say that this road is for everyone. Goodness it was over dramatic enough to put me in my place but that does not mean it needs to be the same for you. Perhaps this is instead the perfect opportunity to express your love for you friend but with boundaries.
Examples:
1. I would LOVE to be a bridesmaid but I am seriously strapped for cash. Could we talk through this all so I can understand if my budget will allow for it?
a. this is when you bring up things like, do you know what your dress budget looks like? Are we required to get our nails and hair done?
b. can I think this over a little it (and ask who else has been asked. This may help you get an idea of how much work you will be responsible for: from holding back hair from toilet bowl at bachelorette party to paying for bridal shower weekend get away)
I hate conflict and I hate letting people down but honest is super important especially if you really do plan to keep this friend for a while.
2. That is so sweet of you. I really want to be involved in your wedding but I don't know that bridesmaid is the right role for me at this time.
Ouch, yes the bride may feel hurt but she may also already have back ups in mind and you might be a perfect personal assistant instead.
3. Thank you so much for asking me. Yes you can count on me to be there for your wedding but I should let you know that this is just before/after/during my busy season at work/school/etc and I will need to let you know up front that my ability to be totally committed to all activities may be limited.
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